


Nothing To Be Ashamed Of

by mggislife2789



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: M/M, Mental Breakdown, PTSS, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prison
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-01-25
Packaged: 2019-03-09 10:34:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13479690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mggislife2789/pseuds/mggislife2789
Summary: Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or their original stories. This is only for fun. It's where my brain goes after the credits roll. No copyright intended. Better safe than sorry. ;)





	Nothing To Be Ashamed Of

If there was one thing that Luke had learned through his brief time with the team and his even briefer (thus far) relationship with Spencer it was that you weren’t going to make him talk if he didn’t want to. All he could do was tell Spencer that he was there for him if he needed to talk and keep an eye on him - make sure he wasn’t doing anything self-destructive, which as he’d been told by Spencer himself was more than possible.

But it didn’t take a profiler to see that something was wrong with him.

Fuck, all you needed were eyes and you could see that Spencer wasn’t fairing well after his stint in jail. 

Before they’d ever met, Spencer had been an optimist, always smiling, even when it was difficult to smile through the pain, but Luke hadn’t been able to experience that part of his boyfriend yet. 

Where he was once going out with all his friends, he was now isolating himself. Where he was once a little jittery, he was now jumping at every slight noise around the office and their apartments - no sound was too small to frighten him. Where he was once calm, cool and collected (putting pressure on himself sure), he was now drowning in the overwhelming guilt of not doing enough. 

Over and over again, he insisted he was fine, but it didn’t take a genius IQ to see that he wasn’t okay. “You coming over tonight?” Luke asked. It wasn’t good for him to spend too many nights alone. Too much room for intrusive thoughts. “I’m making my abuela’s famous Sopa de Mariscos.”

“Well, if you’re making me food, I’m definitely in,” Spencer said with a strained voice, his smile radiant but obviously forced.

Luke hated seeing him like this. It hurt to see someone he loved (and yes, he did love him despite how recently they’d started dating) in so much pain, especially when what he went through was all for the sake of his mother. In his position, Luke would’ve done the same thing; he loved his job, but his family was everything and there was nothing he wouldn’t have done for them.

Later that day, the entire team got into the elevator to leave for the day. While it was just their small group, Spencer didn’t have a problem holding on to Luke’s hand. “Have a nice dinner, guys,” Emily said. 

As they all went their separate ways, Luke felt a buzz in his pocket.

E: He’s been looking even more tired lately. Please take care of him.

L: I will.

At the apartment, Luke started pulling ingredients out from various corners of cupboards and shelves in the refrigerator. “Is there something I can help with?” Spencer asked.

It really was a one person meal in regards to cooking it, but if he was asking Luke assumed that his boyfriend wanted something else to focus on. “Sure, first we need to start the Sofrito.”

Considering what he’d gone through in prison, Luke didn’t want Spencer using a knife - he felt like it might bring up some bad memories, so instead he began cutting the things they needed - onions, peppers, hot peppers, hotter peppers- while Spencer fried everything up in a pan. Soon, they were actually getting into a silent routine, comfortable, finding their ways around each other and putting together their dinner.

When Luke went to grab the few different fish they needed to make dinner, Spencer moved into Luke’s place and grabbed the knife, slicing through the small tomato and yellow pepper that still needed to be added. Spencer was clumsy enough as it was, but given how on edge he’d been lately, it came as no surprise that with the creak of the floor came a startled reaction. Luke turned around immediately to see Spencer wincing, having cut himself with the knife.

Luke had experienced this before. He’d experienced the pain he was now witnessing in Spencer’s eyes.

His boyfriend lifted his hand to his chest and clutched at his heart, the veins in his neck becoming strained as if he was grasping for breath. “No, no, no…” Spencer muttered softly. “I-I…I have to get some fresh air.”

Bolting towards the apartment door, Spencer didn’t even grab his coat; all he was wearing were pajamas. Quickly, Luke turned off the stove and ran after him, grabbing a coat for both of them. “Spencer wait! You’re going to freeze out there!”

He followed him down the stairs, passed a number of other tenants in the building who were probably wondering whether or not they’d had a fight. When Luke finally caught up, Spencer was leaning up against the wall near the door to the building, his knuckles white as he clutched his thighs and inhaled slowly and deeply. 

Luke walked up to him, saying nothing. His feet were in Spencer’s line of view so he knew he saw him, but all he did was lay his boyfriend’s coat over him. After about five minutes, Spencer finally pushed up and back against the wall again, looking like he’d finally caught his breath. “Can you breathe?” Luke asked softly.

“Yes.” Another few minutes passed between them until Spencer spoke again. “Luke, I’m sorry. I-I…” He wanted to say he didn’t know what was wrong with him, but Luke knew that he was well aware. “Luke…I’m…I don’t know what to do. I want this to stop.”

He was talking. He was finally talking. “I know.”

“I thought once I got out I’d be okay, but I keep feeling like I’m back there.”

“I know,” Luke repeated. “Spencer, you have PTSS. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

In an instant, Spencer’s eyes started to water and his lips started to quiver before he collapsed into Luke’s arms. He breathed a sigh of relief; he hated that Spencer was feeling this way, but he finally let someone in. 

As Spencer sobbed into his shoulder, Luke ran his hand through his unruly hair, massaging his scalp and doing his best to soothe the pain. He wasn’t going to take it away, but he could be there. Dammit, he would be there. “I’m so sorry. It’s not okay…but it will be. You just need time.”

Time. Time was what Spencer didn’t want to deal with. He wanted it to just go away. Luke’s assurance made Spencer cry even harder, and for nearly 15 minutes they stood outside in the cold, holding on tight. 

When Spencer finally stopped crying, he looked up, a smile forming as Luke wiped away his tears. “Thank you for…being here.”

“Thank you for letting me in.”

Spencer leaned in and pressed his lips to Luke’s, before laying his forehead against him. “I just want this to be over. I want to move on. I want…to be happy again.”

“You will be,” Luke replied. “It’s just going to take time. But I’ll be here, so talk to me, okay?”

Spencer nodded softly and slipped his hand in Luke’s. “I’ll try. It’s just so hard, you know?”

“I do know.” Luke gave Spencer’s hand a squeeze as they walked up the stairs and back into Luke’s apartment. “I’ve been there. For a different reason, but I know how helpless and frustrated and pissed off you feel.”

As soon as they got upstairs, Luke suggested ordering a pizza instead. “I’d like it if we finished dinner. Just maybe I don’t help anymore. At least for tonight.” With a smile, he sat down on Luke’s couch and turned on the TV.

“That sounds good to me,” he replied. Walking up behind him, Luke tilted Spencer’s head back and kissed him, leaving him with a smile before returning to the kitchen.

Soon the familiar Doctor Who theme rang throughout his apartment. It wasn’t Luke’s thing - not his type of show, but it made Spencer smile - bring his mind somewhere else - and because of that, it was his favorite show in the world.


End file.
